Afraid of Believing

1/27/2010 I was reading the end of John. chapter 19: 38-end and something struck me, two seemingly unlikely people took care of Jesus' body when He was crucified. There had been thousands of believers who had followed Jesus as he taught them. The Bible is full of accounts of passionate conversions and yet where were they? His discples had seen Him calm seas, healed the lame, the deaf, the dumb, tele-transport from a shore to a boat in the middle of a sea, raise others from the dead,where were they? If Jesus ever wanted someone to believe in Him it was when He had fulfilled His own prophecy and died. I don't see His disciples stepping up to claim Jesus, who steps up to claim Jesus?

Jesus is dead, the resurrection has not yet happened, the great miracle giving teacher who had given literal life to literal dead was now Himself dead. Yet who steps up to claim the body of the most controversial person on the face of the earth, in spite of knowing they would probably be shunned or even killed for stepping up to claim the dead body of Jesus? Was it John, or Matthew, or Simon Peter no it was Joseph of Arimathea a secret believer and Nicodemus, the one who came to Him in the darkness and also believed. Two run to the tomb and one waits outside afraid to go in but once he went in he too believed. These are people that God chose to mention by name in the holy scriptures to be remembered and read by all of mankind until He indeed comes again.

I hope to identify better with these guys that are unsure, afraid, and really don't know what to do but some how seem to do the right thing at the toughest times. They risked it all and God rewarded them with faith and Godly adoration. They weren't perfect, they asked tough questions but like me I hope, when it gets to where the rubber-meets-the-road their riding with Jesus... so am I if He'll will take me and He promised me and everyone else that He will accept all, even me. I too ran up to the tomb and looked in, I wanted to believe, I hesitated, I went in and I believed. Thank you Jesus. (By the way, when I went in He let me know that He was alive)

Healed of Being Healed

1/24/2010 I've never seen anybody "truly" healed. There are many miraculous examples of people being healed of life-long disease and disability and many first-hand accounts of the same, but me personally....

Now if you think for one moment that I don't believe that God can heal or that He still is not providing healing miracles, you are wrong. I just believe that for the most part God has not chosen that avenue to show and declare His Glory. Maybe in this day of parlor-tricks which are so inventive, (disappearing airplanes, the Statue of Liberty, and such and then the possibly demon influenced modern day illusionist's acts of "walking on water, full levitation, floating down the side of multi-story buildings, stepping through a glass door, etc) I and others have become a bit jaded.

My jadedness, or unbelief, is probably not much different than those who will not accept what God the Trinity has done. They want to believe, they know others who believe, they have heard testimony of a "spiritual healing" and yet for them they will not allow themselves to believe that Jesus and Jesus alone "is the way the truth and the life, NO ONE comes to the Father BUT BY HIM. Really, we all want to get to heaven, we just want to get there on our own terms.

I pray for my healing and I know there are many of you who pray for my healing, please keep praying... and believe me if I go for a checkup and this incurable disease can not be seen or recognized in my body.. to the glory of God there will be many, maybe thousands who will hear about it, but if not...? I still hope there will be thousands who hear about it because I believe in God and His power, not because he can heal me physically, I trust God and am trusting God because He has "healed me of needing to be healed." My wife Jan is reading a book for the third or fourth time called You Gotta Keep Dancing by Tim Hansel I believe. His book came after a terrible rock climbing fall that spared his life but gave him unimaginable amounts of pain and suffering. He prayed for healing also but finally was "healed of needing to be healed."

Finding depth in the glory of God that he would have never found had he not fallen was now worth every painful and tortured step. He (and I) realize that when God shows you Himself in an intimate way, there is nothing like it. Would I trade physical healing for the uncertainty of an eternal life with God the Trinity... not a chance. God has "healed" me because He has shown me clearly that "Jesus is the way... the only way... and I have been given just glimpses of God's glory and it is enough... I have been "healed" spiritually... so I really am "healed of needing to be healed." A gazillion years of heavenly glory and bliss or a physical life filled with wanton pleasure and spiritual ignorance.... give me Jesus. How do I know? God has shown me just a peak of His Glory and it is enough for me to make that choice freely...To God be the glory.

Praying for Myself

1/20/2010 John 17: says that Jesus prayed for Himself and said, "Glorify your Son so that I can glorify the Father. ... and this is the way to have eternal life... to know you the only true God and Jesus Christ the one you sent to earth." What a glorious thought but what does it mean to know God and to know Jesus well enough to "have eternal life?"

Old example still holds some weight. Most people will say they know God or they might say they know about Him but is that enough, some might even say believe in God... isn't that enough... the Bible says... believe on the Lord Jesus Christ and though shalt be saved... so we have to believe but we must have enough faith to trust what we believe to save us... how much belief how much faith?

Back to old example...... I can watch a tight rope walker pushing a wheel barrel across Niagara Falls. I can watch it, I can see it with my own eyes, I can believe what I saw but faith .....would have me get in the wheel barrel. Don't let satan lie to you don't let him lie to me... get in the wheel barrel and get in often... daily is best but, like Jesus I must pray for myself, I can do nothing on my own.

Dying Daily

1/17/2010 Had a good day in church today. My pastor gave a great message on the need for the "Refiners fire" to help drive the dross out of my life. There is plenty of dross and I am grateful for this aspect of God's love and caring. He loves me enough to not let me be the way I am but that he is constantly trying to make me into the man of God he wants me to be. For those of us who have had our mortality jump up and smash us in the face some may think that God is not fair. Let me say again that this is not a matter of fairness but the perfect plan of a perfect God, it is I who am imperfect.

God can only really use us when we are of a "broken spirit." Too bad we have to be broken to be made whole, but its better then remaining broken. John 14 this is the "many mansions" text but the part I like today as I reread was verse 3-4,, ... I will come and get you and you will be with Me always... v4 YOU KNOW WHERE I AM GOING AND YOU KNOW HOW TO GET THERE. (NLV) As clear as John 3:16 may be it needs to be clearer and lived more clearly in my life. I am grateful He has saved me, I am glad to know where I am going and I am glad to know how I will get there. Jesus and Jesus only.

He Gave To Save

1/16/2010 My son Bryan gave me Lucado's book 3:16. Certainly one if not the most recongnizable bible references in the world. Rainbow haired people carry signs at sporting events nearly every child who attends any Sunday School learns this verse at a young age. Of course the reference is John 3:16 but in Lacado's wonderful way of writing there is depth that we often do not look at. Lacado says in chapter one, "The heart of the human problem is the heart of the human. And God's treatment is prescribed in John 3:16
He Loves
He Gave
We Believe
We Live
It is without doubt one of the verses that carries the truth of the Gospel in a nutshell. There are 66 books in the bible and yet there is enough theology in this one verse to keep anyone and everyone from spending an eternity in hell. The verse says we will not "perish" but many will choose to perish and the problem with this perishing is that it is on-going and everlasting.

Where I hope to spend even more time in the time I have left is in delving into the depths of how deep He Loves, how much He gave, too what extent I can believe and how fully I can live. Thankfully and with gratitude God has often and graciously given me God-only insight into some of these life-long desires and I hope to share some with you and hope you may share some in return. "Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ and thou shalt be saved" what I am needing to believe in is how He loves and how completely

He loves when there are aspects of my life that some could argue are not the acts of a loving God, particularly having incurable cancer. But at no time has this seemed like the cruel act of a so-called loving God but much more the natural consequences of a world that has chosen not to believe God since the perfectness of the garden and the early disobedience of Adam and Eve. God offers all, and somehow we think He is holding back on us and that to have true fullness of life I needed to feed the unhealthy desires of an oft deprave human being. Lucky for me and the whole world, His love is and always will be greater than my depravity. He is to be praised.

Day Three On Chemo

I am not the best at posting every thing I probably should but I will attempt again to do a little thought sharing. I don't know that anyone really looks forward to hearing words like "you have cancer" but for some of us it really seemed inevitable. I have told my wife for a long time that I "knew" that I would end up with cancer someday and sure enough it came. I am not a pessimist and I do believe that God has been preparing me for this for awhile, how well He has prepared me remains to be seen.

Jan and I have been at the Roger Maris Cancer Center in Fargo (you betcha) North Dakota for the last three days. We haven't had to stay here but have had to be hear for the three successive days of chemo. I was really optimistic about being able to handle the chemo really well and about 1/2 hour into my first drug (Ru toxin) I started to feel terrible and thought "this is going to be along three days" but a fine nurse and staff adjusted some anti-nausea drugs and when restarted I have really not had any major side effects. For that I am grateful... back to part of my theme for this blog.

In reading my book called Choosing Gratitude I realize that I really need to step up in my gratitude to God almighty. I've said for a long time that I think people are made up basically in three ways; we are physical, emotional, and I believe everyone at some level is spiritual. At the very least I mean that people are spiritual because I would think almost all wonder if there is life after death and if there is anything they can do about it at all.

There are a great many things I don't know, but I know for sure that there is indeed a heaven and a hell and really believe I have been given God-given glimpses into both. But for those that think that when they die they die and all that happens is that rot in the ground I can understand that thinking even if I don't agree with it. Nominal agnostics my allow for a God but think if there is a God he will see that although not perfect but better than most and by that merit "I should get in if there is indeed a heaven." especially if God is the benevolent grandfather type we want to believe he is if indeed He does exist. The agnostic comment reminds me of a joke, "What do you have when you have an insomniac, agnostic, dyslexic? .... Someone who lies in bed at night and wonders if there really is a dog."

He is indeed the most loving being imaginable but He is also the most just and He does not ignore sin, He deals with it in the most serious ways cause it is what He hates the most. It is the lone thing that keeps us from becoming all that He has created us to be and it is what keeps us separated from a persona intimacy with the creator God of the universe. Think about it, an omniscient, omnipresent, omnipotent God who wants to have a personal relationship and our stupid, obstinate, prideful selves think, "I can do this better then God can, I know myself better then the One who created me for a reason knows me?"

To those that believe we just die and rot I must ask the question, "What if you are wrong?" If I would happen to be wrong and you right, I would just rot in the ground but if I'm right.....

Point is, if we are indeed emotional, physical and spiritual as I suggested earlier then when we die and we all will, the only thing that has a chance of "continuing is our spiritual side. Obviously, physically we die, and our emotions disappear, our "spirit" is the only part that could possibly continue into the next stage of the life-after-life experience. Yet how much time do any of us spend on that aspect of our selves. People spend a lot of obvious time on the physical aspect of their being, and certainly there are many who spend thousands of hours on therapy for their emotional well being and that is all fine an well, but how much time do we spend on the prospect of "eternal things."

I spend quite a bit and yet feel like I fail to really embrace what I know and how I should respond.

I am going to try to put a link here from a short You Tube selection from Penn Gillett of Penn and Teller fame where someone gives him a bible and though he is an atheist he says a couple of interesting things: here is the link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZhG-tkQ_Q2w If this doesn't work ..

he said one thing that stuck with me. He said paraphrased, "If indeed you believe that people may indeed go to hell and burn and you are not proselytizing then how much do you really believe and how much do you really care and love others who you think are headed for certain doom. (His analogy is would you help someone standing in front of an on-coming train or would you let them go to their certain death?)

I ask God to give me opportunities all the time to share my faith. Sometimes I miss opportunities and I feel terrible when I do so. Just let me say today, "There is a heaven and a hell and I am going to heaven, not on the basis of what I have done but totally on accepting the free gift of eternal salvation and all the glory and wonderment that goes with it as God offered it to me. I am a sinner (I have fallen short of God's perfect standards far to many times to count but he is faithful to forgive.) This He promises. So think about it... I'm telling you cause I love you and I really don't want you going to hell. Hell is what we all really deserve and yet God gives us the perfect out....Jesus. Let me just say, Thank you Jesus for being the justice God requires and for offering the forgiveness none of us deserve, not the best humanitarian, nor the worst criminal. "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." Some of us worse than others.

Saying Thanks But Not REally Thankful

Jan 2, 2009 As I said earlier I want to base a great deal of these writings on my thoughts about being thankful. I will share my own thoughts and those of Choosing Gratitude.. We can teach our young children to say the words "thank you" and yet never know what it means. I think my journey has begun in strange ways. The nature of my leukemia is such that it grows slowly yet as any who have heard the words,"you have cancer," it forever changes you. Not to say that I suddenly had so much new revelation as the fact that now I have a clock ticking in the back of my head. Sometime it ticks loudly and sometime it is barely audible but the ticking is relentless.
I think I have always been a thankful person, at least in the sense that it is not often that I have thought that my life was not fair or that others have had it better than me, (nearly everyone can say that if they want too), but I realize that I have not always been truly thankful. Thankfulness needs to be really beyond any of that. How high is thankfulness on my list of Christian virtues, often not very high. There is one area of my life that causes me a great deal of anger, frustration, and the "it's not fair" attitude and it is dragging me down to levels I don't like or even want to acknowledge. There is so much I am thankful for and yet this one personal on-going attack is enough for me to lose focus and too separate me from God's intimate grace, but what I feel causes me to sin and to justify it. I think there is only one cure for this great malady besides the grace of God Himself and that is thankfulness.... true thankfulness.